Academy Award Cupcake Extravaganza: Get Ready to Be Toast, Suckas

The 79th Annual Academy Awards will be honored by the attentions of Ross and Valerie (authors of Haduken and Made in Richmond, respectively), Justin (of Awkward Things I Say to Girls fame), and myself. And when I say "attentions," I mean a kickass contest we've concocted that involves winners, losers, and the fickle whims of a logarithm that will decide our fate and the flavor of cupcakes.

The situation is as follows:

We all try to think as the Academy would* and make our predictions for the 79th Annual Academy Awards (hereafter referred to as the "Oscars"). We do not necessarily pick the results that we hope will happen, we pick the results we think will happen. Each category is assigned a point value, and on Feb. 25, after Oscar Night, the results are tabulated, and the person with the highest number of points wins. The three losers (hereafter referred to as the "jokers") will host a movie-watching night at which each will provide the food or drink at which he or she excels, and the winner gets to choose the movie and brag forever.

We have done a lot of research and seen a lot of films in order to make this as competitive as possible. Choose the tag "awards" on the Misanthropic Review to view a handy list of the Oscar contenders I've already reviewed, just to bone up.

In addition, just so my position is clear, I've picked my own personal favorites that would win if the Academy was composed of me, myself, and someone I had complete control over. These picks are indicated by an asterisk(*). My picks for the Academy will be bolded and italicized. Any explanatory notes will follow the category.

Here are my picks (list of nominees copied from www.oscars.com):

NOMINATIONS BY CATEGORY - 79TH AWARDS

Warning! This is extremely detailed!

Performance by an actor in a leading role

Leonardo DiCaprio - BLOOD DIAMOND
Ryan Gosling - HALF NELSON
Peter O'Toole - VENUS*
Will Smith - THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
Forest Whitaker - THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

(I haven't actually seen this movie, but I feel like Peter O'Toole deserves an Academy Award just on principle, and I feel like the Academy will agree. They think that way. They're always honoring old folks just because they've been around.)

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

Alan Arkin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jackie Earle Haley - LITTLE CHILDREN
Djimon Hounsou - BLOOD DIAMOND
Eddie Murphy - DREAMGIRLS
Mark Wahlberg - THE DEPARTED*

This is going to happen because of the Biopic Formula. However, Mark Wahlberg rules and was the best thing about The Departed and deserves some praise.

Performance by an actress in a leading role

Penélope Cruz - VOLVER
Judi Dench - NOTES ON A SCANDAL*
Helen Mirren - THE QUEEN
Meryl Streep - THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
Kate Winslet - LITTLE CHILDREN

Biopic Formula again, but I was blown away by Judi Dench in Notes on a Scandal.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

Adriana Barraza - BABEL
Cate Blanchett - NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Abigail Breslin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jennifer Hudson - DREAMGIRLS
Rinko Kikuchi - BABEL*

I changed my personal favorite after I saw Babel last night. I had been pulling for Abigail Breslin, but I can support Little Miss Sunshine by rooting for it for Best Picture instead. Rinko Kikuchi was completely amazing but is no match for the mighty Formula. Better luck next time.

Best animated feature film of the year

CARS*
HAPPY FEET
MONSTER HOUSE

Pixar wins everything all the time, but it deserves it. Even the commercials for Happy Feet made me use one of my own happy feet to kick in the television screen.

Achievement in art direction

DREAMGIRLS
THE GOOD SHEPHERD
PAN'S LABYRINTH*
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST
THE PRESTIGE

As much as I want to root for anything starring the unsinkable Johnny Depp, Pan's Labyrinth's art direction far supercedes any of these other films by several miles.

Achievement in cinematography

THE BLACK DAHLIA
CHILDREN OF MEN*
THE ILLUSIONIST
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE PRESTIGE

It's funny that The Prestige is nominated for all this stuff. I mean it was good, but it wasn't that good, and it certainly wasn't visually stunning. Throwing a couple of hot guys in your film does not equal Achievement in Cinematography. Children of Men will win this one for coming up with an amazingly shot futuristic landscape (but don't get me started about the story behind it).

Achievement in costume design

CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
DREAMGIRLS
MARIE ANTOINETTE*
THE QUEEN

For some reason, everyone goes nuts over the entertaining but certainly not Oscar-quality Devil Wears Prada. I bet this is how the Academy will give the movie some props.

Achievement in directing

BABEL
THE DEPARTED*
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
THE QUEEN
UNITED 93

I feel so strongly about the direction of this movie that I'm willing to risk these points. I want to say that it's going to go to Clint Eastwood for Letters from Iwo Jima, but maybe lightning doesn't strike twice. The Departed was so good and so well-directed that maybe the depth of my feeling for it will change fate. Who knows. I thought Gangs of New York was the worst movie ever, and that certainly got a lot of awards, so you can never tell with Martin Scorcese's shaky relationship with the Academy.

Best documentary feature

DELIVER US FROM EVIL
AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH*
IRAQ IN FRAGMENTS
JESUS CAMP
MY COUNTRY, MY COUNTRY

It would be simply cruel to deny Al THIS election.

Best documentary short subject

THE BLOOD OF YINGZHOU DISTRICT
RECYCLED LIFE
REHEARSING A DREAM
TWO HANDS

I picked this at random. It's like the SATs!

Achievement in film editing

BABEL
BLOOD DIAMOND
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED *
UNITED 93

Babel was superbly edited, but The Departed's editing was as good as it's direction, and we all know how I feel about that.

Best foreign language film of the year

AFTER THE WEDDING
DAYS OF GLORY (INDIGÈNES)
THE LIVES OF OTHERS
PAN'S LABYRINTH*
WATER

This is a no-brainer.

Achievement in makeup

APOCALYPTO
CLICK
PAN'S LABYRINTH*

I would have thought for sure this would go to Mel Gibson's dumb-looking feature if he hadn't irritated the entire world last year. It's not politically correct to give him an award. Pan's Labyrinth deserves it anyway, even though I'm sure it's tearing up the Academicians to have to choose between that film and an Adam Sandler/Kate Beckinsale vehicle.

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)

BABEL
THE GOOD GERMAN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL*
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

It's Philip Glass, duh.

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)

"I Need to Wake Up" - AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH
"Listen" - DREAMGIRLS
"Love You I Do" - DREAMGIRLS
"Our Town" - CARS
"Patience" - DREAMGIRLS

I dunno, it's definitely Dreamgirls, because they'll feel bad that they didn't nominate it for Best Picture, but I'm guessing on the song.

Best motion picture of the year

BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE*
THE QUEEN

Tell me a movie that you liked better. I'm nervous about this though. Clint Eastwood tends to be more praised the older he gets. The Queen won't win because of the Formula, and Babel won the Golden Globe, so that's not a good sign. The Departed should be second place, but won't win. I want the Academy to redeem themselves so badly and wipe off the shame of Crash and A Beautiful Mind. This is your chance, people! Vote accordingly!

Best animated short film

THE DANISH POET
LIFTED
THE LITTLE MATCHGIRL
MAESTRO
NO TIME FOR NUTS

Best live action short film

BINTA AND THE GREAT IDEA (BINTA Y LA GRAN IDEA)
ÉRAMOS POCOS (ONE TOO MANY)
HELMER & SON
THE SAVIOUR
WEST BANK STORY

Achievement in sound editing

APOCALYPTO
BLOOD DIAMOND
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

I just haven't seen enough of these to make an informed decision of my own, but I'm sure Clint Eastwood will get his awards somehow.

Achievement in sound mixing

APOCALYPTO
BLOOD DIAMOND
DREAMGIRLS
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

See above category and substitute "musical biopic" for Clint Eastwood.

Achievement in visual effects

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST*
POSEIDON
SUPERMAN RETURNS

There is simply no contest for this one.

Adapted screenplay

BORAT CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
LITTLE CHILDREN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL*

This is how they will prove themselves hip and with it, and maybe Borat deserves it for being pretty clever, but Notes on a Scandal was a far better movie.

Original screenplay

BABEL
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE *
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

Keep your fingers crossed.

Good luck, jokers. See you on the 25th. Bring pigs in a blanket and get ready to watch something that prominently features a shirtless JD.

*Although we don't get the added benefits like free screeners and bribes from Jamie Foxx.